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Overcoming my social media anxiety and embracing authenticity, online and in person.
Unlike the majority of people on the millennial/Gen Z cusp, I’ve never lied about my age when signing up for a social media account. As a child, my parents took online safety very seriously.
I used to wistfully watch commercials for Disney Channel’s online games, knowing I couldn’t “ask my parents’ permission” to play Camp Rock: Rock the Beat when I wasn’t even allowed on Club Penguin. After presenting my parents with a very persuasive PowerPoint, I was granted permission to make my online debut on my 13th birthday.
Before I created any accounts, I was given strict rules and expectations for what I was allowed to post and with whom I could communicate. The most crucial of these rules was that, with the exception of Facebook, I could never post any personally identifiable information online. No social media accounts were to have my real name, school, location, or anything else that could be traced back to me.
Although they felt too strict at the time, these were good internet safety rules to instill in a preteen-turned-teenager. In hindsight, my parents had a point: the internet is a dangerous place full of dangerous people, and if the wrong person finds out who you are, the consequences can be dire.
When I was finally approved for Instagram and Twitter, I came up with clever handles and only posted enough information for close friends to know it was me. Since my mom followed all of my accounts, I eventually made secret private accounts where I could overshare in peace (sorry Mom)!
This system worked for me until I graduated from college and had to adjust my relationship with social media. Now that I needed to network and “build my brand”, it was time to streamline all of my accounts. I made the decision to change all my handles to @myfullgovernmentname; but as soon as the change was made, I immediately started spiraling into a panic attack.
I regained my composure very quickly, but the incident made me question why something so simple made me so anxious. My first thoughts were that I internalized my mom’s fear of the internet and I wasn’t prepared for the consequences of forfeiting my semi-anonymous online identity. While both of these things are true, I knew something deeper caused my reaction.
When your existence makes you a target, visibility makes you vulnerable.
The safest thing for you to do is hide: behind a screen, behind a fake personality, behind anything that will soften the impact when rejection inevitably crushes your spirit.
I cannot count the number of times I have been rejected by others for being open and honest about who I am. At some point in my life, peers, partners, and even my parents have told me that I was “too ______” or “not _______ enough”. After being shut down enough times for simply being myself, I learned that in order to have meaningful connections and succeed in life, maybe I was not the person I needed to be. Instead, I pivoted.
I stopped crying and started curating my image to fit whatever environment I was in. When I met new people, I told them just enough to form a basic outline of who I am. I left enough spaces in my identity so that others could fill in the blanks with whatever would make them like me. I began anticipating people’s reactions to me so I could adjust myself beforehand and never give them the chance to tell me that I was not meeting their expectations. I thought I was finally making progress, but every time Camryn™ took one step forward, I took two steps back.
Like I mentioned in my first piece, quarantine forced me to face the fact that I was living a lie. Since March 2020, I have changed enough about my life to confidently say I am no longer being dishonest, but I was naive to think that I was finished with my identity work. Spoiler alert: there is always more work to do.
I’ve come to another tough realization:
“not lying” is not the same as telling the truth.
The absence of dishonesty does not automatically equate to the presence of honesty. If you’re acting “authentic”, you’re just following a different script. The reality is that the “truth” is a noun and a verb.
When you’re 100% honest about your identity, you risk a more painful rejection because you know that person is rejecting You, not a version of you that isn’t real. However, you also risk losing or blocking authentic and fulfilling friendships, relationships, career opportunities, etc.
Think about it: Are your closest friends the people you are most Yourself with? Are they the people that you aren’t afraid to show the Real You to because you know they respect and cherish You? Or, are they the people who prompt you to constantly adjust your dials to keep them comfortable?
The same dilemma presents itself in romantic relationships. How will you ever trust your partner when they say they love you if you know the person they’re talking about isn’t real?
It’s honestly terrifying sometimes to introduce Yourself to someone you know, even if you’re pretty confident that they’ll still love you the same. If you are a fellow overthinker and/or person with anxiety, look at it this way: the Real You is going to come out sometime; it’s inevitable. Would you rather do it now and deal with their reaction, or wait until you slip up 20 years from now and it ruins your relationship? Wouldn’t you be so much more heartbroken then, knowing the past few decades have been based on a lie?
To be clear, the “lie” you’re living doesn’t even have to be a lie and doesn’t have to be major to still count as identity fraud. Changing the way you dress or talk, not doing certain hairstyles, quitting hobbies or activities, and pretending not to like certain things are all forms of lying because you are hiding Yourself to please someone else.
A prime example of this is a tweet I saw from someone who slept with a stuffed animal to prevent anxious nightmares but stopped once they entered a relationship. Now, the nightmares are back. As someone who keeps at least two stuffed animals with her on any given night, trust me when I say your partner will not stop sleeping with you if you have a few faux furry friends in your bed. If they do, kick them out! That person is the guest and it’s more important that you get your rest. The person that’s for you will agree with me that you should do what’s best for You. Period.
At some point in our lives, we have all had to sacrifice something in order to protect ourselves and get to where we want to be. However, I’m tired of constantly worrying about being a cultural chameleon in order to survive. I’m ready to come out of the shadows and have my Mitchie “This is Real, This is Me” Torres moment. I may have missed my chance to “rock the beat” as a child, but I know I’m way too beautiful, talented, etc. to let the past stop me from being seen.
So, I took a deep breath, stepped into the online spotlight, and pressed “save changes”. It’s official: you can now find me, the Real Me, at @camryneasley on Instagram and Twitter.
I’ve let you meet Me, now, I can’t wait to meet You.
— Camryn 💫
