i will never admit to being single again
according to merriam-webster, the federal government and the general public, i am a single woman. i meet the criteria since i am not married or otherwise “spoken for”, however, that label just doesn’t sit right with me.
the phrase “single woman” has a negative connotation; it’s the 21st century version of “spinster”. it invites cautious approach, yet affixes a scarlet letter “S” to your bosom to warn possible suitors that so far, no one has deemed you marriage material. it’s just... sad.
it’s no surprise that many people avoid the word “single” at all costs. media presents us with contradictory representations of what single life is like, but the most prominent is the narrative that being single is an affliction that needs a cure.
there are so many recycled movie and tv show plots about single people:
- a teenager stressed about navigating their school's dating scene and their newfound sexuality
- a woman plagued with depression and despair because she can’t cure her chronic singleness
- a bachelor whose f*ckboy antics prevent him from finding the genuine connection he craves
- a “girl boss” who leaves her ultra-successful career to settle down with the small town boy-next-door who shows her that love is what will make her truly happy
- a series of unfortunate, but realistic, scenarios of dating in the internet age, etc.
there’s one plot where a girl moves to a city and meets a guy with the same birthday as her, who also rips his sticks of gum in half to make it “shareable” (points for the niche quirk). they text for a while, then spend an evening together bonding over their similarities and planning all their future dates; starting with a paint and sip at the park. they go out again the next night, admit they have feelings for each other, and part ways with a goodnight kiss (cliche, but a nice touch). immediately after he leaves, she texts him and says she never wants to see him again... and then drops out of grad school to follow her lifelong dream of becoming a writer.
it’s me. i’m “a girl”.
i’ve always wanted to go on a painting-at-the-park date, so when he suggested it, i literally had to bite my tongue to stop myself from asking what hors d’ouvres he wanted at our wedding reception. that’s when i realized i was definitely not ready to start dating again.
telling this beautiful man that the relationship was over before it even started was upsetting, but canceling our painting date was devastating. i almost cried because i was so close to fulfilling my wattpad-esque “Y/N” dreams and then my alleged “healing journey” got in the way. i kept thinking, “why won’t anyone just take me to the damn park?” then i realized there was an even more pressing issue: why didn’t i feel capable of taking myself?
when emma watson said in 2019 that she’s not single, she’s “self-partnered”, social media was flooded with jokes and memes mocking her and her presumed refusal to admit her shameful status. out of context, it’s a strange quote, but they missed the point she was trying to make.
your relationship status is not the marker of happiness or success.
it is totally normal and healthy to want a romantic/sexual partner. unfortunately, the default assumption is that if you don’t have one, there must be something about you (personality, appearance, net worth, etc.) that is undesirable or not up to par. this may not be a conscious attitude you hold, but over time, you’ve likely internalized this message and it has affected your behavior and self-esteem.
sometimes, i find myself thinking, “i would like to __________, but i have no one to do it with, so i guess i can’t”. my notes app is filled with lists of movies, restaurants, date ideas and other partnered activities that i wanted to do in my last relationship. i’ve been disappointed that we never got the chance to do them, but up until now, it hadn’t even crossed my mind to do them with myself. once i noticed this oversight, i had to re-examine my concept of self-partnership.
without realizing it, we often categorize pleasure, comfort and happiness as partnered feelings when we are capable of providing these experiences to ourselves.
ready to fully commit to being my own partner, i took myself on a series of dates. starting with the top of the list, i packed a bag with snacks and supplies and painted at the park. i stargazed, hosted a movie night, tried a new recipe and made myself a delicious dinner. after such a romantic weekend with myself, i completely understood what emma watson meant. it’s very empowering to experience something that you once considered a partnered activity and know that you are capable of enjoying it in your own company.
if you have been denying yourself fun and exciting experiences because you have “no one to do them with”, take a look in the mirror and tell me what you see. like billie eilish said, “i know i’m supposed to be unhappy without someone... but aren’t i someone?”
yes. you are.
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[adapted from an original post on jupiter in pisces]: follow us on instagram!
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